* 



IpS 635 
29 PRICE 25 CENTS. 

08455 ^^ F]bAYS EZCKAirOSB. 

Copy 1 



No. 24. 

— 1[ — 



The Haskum 
Homestead 



By Wm. Organ. 




ADOLPH E. REIM. 

Publisher, 
MZLWAUEEE, WISCONBIN. 



No. 24. 
The Haskum Homestead 

A Rural Comedy Sketch. 



By Wm. Organ. 

][ 



Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1910, ty Adolph 
E. Reim, in th9 office of the lAhrarian of Congress at Washing' 
ton, D, C, 



ADOLPH £. REIM, 

Publisher, 
MILWAUKEE, - WISCONSIN. 



s 






CHARACTERS. 

Sleepy Sam A CJiore Boy, 

Joel Haskum An Old Farmer. 

Feank Habtman A FasMonaJ)le Boarder. 

Jason Skinnee Town ConstaMe. 

Mbs. Haskum Joel's Wife. 

Peggy A Child of Misfortune, 

Scene — Living-room in the Haskum Homestead. 
Time — Evening, 



€Cl.i* 24015 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 



SCENE — Living-room in the Haskum Homestead. Evening. Doors 
B. 1., E. 4. and l. c. Exterior backing to l. c, representing a land- 
scape. Window E. c. Desk c. at hack. Chair in front of desk. Ta- 
ble c. dotcn stage. Lighted lamp on table. Chairs e. & l. of table. 
Sofa i(. doivn stage. Fire-place and mantel in l. 2. flat. Armchair 
in front of fireplace. Chair in corner betiveen l. c. and l. 4. Chair 
mid/way betiveen e. 1. and e. 4. Lights full up. 

(As curain rises, Mes. Haskum enters e. 4.). 

Mrs. Haskum — Land sakes ! I do wonder what can be keeping Jo- 
el ! He should uv been home an hour ago. I never saw such a man 
in all my life. Never knows enough to come home until the last cat is 
skinned, Peggy ! Peggy ! 

(Enter Peggy e. 4.). 

Peggy — Watcher want? 

Mrs. Haskum — Go bring me an armful of wood. Supper will be 
stone cold. 

Peggy — Hully gee! More wood? Let Sam do it. I've fetched in 
purty near the hull pile now. 

Mrs. Haskum — Do as I tell you. That lazy lout wouldn't bring 
it in in a week. I suppose he's somewheres up in the hay-mow a- 
sleep. That boy don't earn his salt. 

Peggy — Well, I s'pose I'll have ter. Work, work, nuthin but work! 
Why wasn't I born rich, 'stead of purty? 

Mrs. Haskum — Wall you hurry up? Joel and that city boarder may 
be here at any moment. 

Peggy — Aw, slush wid dat city boarder! I s'pose he's one of dem 
plug hat swells. Dey give me a kink in de liver. (Exit l. c). 

Mrs. Haskum — If that ain't the sassiest girl I ever saw ! Between 
her and Sam, they will drive me crazy. I wish Joel would hurry 
up. I begin to feel worried. I hope he didn't have any trouble get- 
ting the money. I will be glad when the mortgage is paid off. It 
just keeps me worrying and fretting all the time. Hello ! Someone 
coming now. That must be Joel. 



4 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

{Enter Joel Haskum and Frank Hartman l. C). 

Joel — Kuin right in, Mr. Hartman, and make yourself tew hum. 
We air just plain kentry folks and hain't much for style. But you 
will be treated right as long as you air with us. 

Frank — {Laying his hat on tahle). Thank you. I assure you that 
it will be a treat to enjoy your quiet country life after so much 
excitement in the city. 

Joel — Matilda, let me introduce jew tew Mr. Hartman. 

Mrs. Haskum — How do you do? 

Frank — Delighted, I am sure ! 

Joel — Matilda, yew show Mr. Hartman tew his rmn. I s'pose 
I'll have tew put up ther bosses myself. That confounded boy, yew 
never can find him. I'll be back in a few minutes ; then we'll hev 
supper. {Exit l. c). 

{Enter Peggy l, c, with armful of wood, turnips first against Joel, 
dropping some of the loood; she picks it up clumsily^ and as she 
turns, runs against Frank, dropping sticks on his toes, etc. BUS: 
ud lib). 

Peggy — Why don'tcher git outen de way? 

Mrs. Haskum — Peggy, will you look where you're going? Right 
this way, Mr. Hartman ; I will show you to your room, 

Frank — {Aside to Peggy). You impudent little brat! 

Peggy — Aw, go fall down stairs. 

{E count Mrs. Haskum & Frank r. 1.). 

Peggy — Holy smokes! Where have I seen dat guy before? I 
coitenly have cast me lamps on his mug somewhere. If he's de 
bloke wot I tinks he is, he coitenly ain't out here for his health. I'll 
keep me peepers on um, just fer luck. {Exit e. 4.). 
{Enter Sam l. c, yawning). 

Sam — Gee whiz! A man can't git no rest around this durned 
place. Had a nice, cosy place in the hay-mow, when the old man 
comes along and gives me the toe of his boot. There hain't no one 
here. Mebbe I kin ketch a few winks on the sofer. Gut tew git some 
sleep somehow. {Lies down on sofa). 

{Enter Mrs. Haskum r. 1.). 

Mrs. Haskum — So there you are, you lazy, good-for-nothing lout! 
Now mog yourself right out and get me an armful of wood. 

SOrtn — {Rising from sofa). Gol durn the luck! A feller can't 
git a minit's rest nowhere. Wood! Wood! That durn stove burns 
more wood in a day then yew kin cut in a week. {Xes. up l. c). 
{Re-enter Joel; humps against Sam, knocking him down. BUS.), 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 5 

Joel — Consarn your lazy hide ! Kain't yew see where yew air go- 
in'? Git aout of hyar naow. {Gives Sam a kick). 

{Exit Sam l. c). 

Mrs. Haskum — I hope you didn't have any trouble getting the mon- 
ey, Joel. 

Joel — {Holding up hox). Hyar she is, Matilda. Three thousand 
dollars ! 

Mrs. Haskum — Why, Joel, you haven't left that out in the wagon 
all this time? 

Joel — Why, cartinly ! What could happen tew it? 

Mrs. Haskum^— You can't tell. You know Job Perkin's store was 
robbed last week. 

Joel — {Laughing). Yes, they sartinly made a great haul. A dol- 
lar and thutty odd cents were stolen. 

Mrs. Haskum — You want to put it in a good safe place. 

Joel — I guess right thar in at air desk will be as safe as anywhar. 
I will lock it up good. The fust thing in the morning I'll go and 
pay off thet durn mortgage. 

Mrs. Haskum — That will be a great load off my mind, Joel. 

Joel — Mine tew, Matilda. {Places bow in desk). 

(Frank enters r. 1.). 

Frank — {Aside). I wonder w^hat the old fool has there? It may 
pay me to find out. {To Joel). I hope I haven't kept you waiting? 

Joel — Not at all ! We air a leetle late with supper tew night, but 
we will make up fur lost time at the table. 

Frank — I certainly think that I can do my share to-night. 

Joel — Thet's the way I like tew hear yew talk. When a man sets 
daown at my table, I want tew see him tear intew it as though he 
meant bizness. Come right this way, Mr. Hartman. 
{Eopunt Mrs. H., Joel & Frank, b. 4.). 

{Re-enter Sam, with arm full of ivood l. c; stubs his toe and 
falls on the table, crushing Frank's hat. Continue BUS. as desired. 
Re-enter Peggy r. 4.). 

Peggy — Whoa, Sleepy, where yer goin'? 

8a7n — Gosh durn thet kerpet ! It's always trippin' me up. 

Peggy — W|by don'tcher wake up and go where yer lookin'? 

Sam — Gosh, I guess I scrunched thet hat a leetle. 

Peggy — I guess yer did. Youse'll git yer head scrunched when 
old Hartman gits hold of yer. He'll make hash out of yer. Hully 
gee ! But dere's some class ter dat lid now. Pipe der new style. 
Looks like one of dem opry hats. Let's see if I kin improve it any. 



6 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

(Kicks hat aci'oss stage). Dere, dat's de downfall of dat sky-piece. 

Sam — {Edging up to Peggy). Peggy, hev yew made up your mind 
yet? 

Peggy — Aw, fade away. Youse ain't goin' ter perpose again, are 
yer? 

Sam — Oh, Peggy, won't yew please? 

(Mrs, Haskum calls off r. : — Sam, Sam! Where's that wood? 

Sam — Gosh hang it! Somebody always got tew butt in! {Exit 
toith tvoocl R. 4). 

Peggy — I'll stake me loife dat feller Hartman's de same guy dat 
was mixed up in dat affair in New York er few years ergo. It's er 
long time since I left de old boig, but not so long but what I kin 
'member dat bloke. Hartman! Gee, but dat don't seem like de old 
name. But mebbe dat's one got up special fer the 'casion. It's got 
me goat what he kin be er doing outen dis miserable dump. Ten 
ter one he's trying ter dodge de perleece. 

{Enter Sam r. 4.). 

Sam — I'll dew it this time or bust a gains. {Xes. and kneels he- 
fore Peggy). Peggy, for the seventy-ninth time, I ask yew tew be 
my wife. 

Peggy — {Taking Mm hy the collar and yanking him to his feet). 
Git up outen dat. Does yer want ter ruin dem pants? 

Sam — Oh, Peggy, be serious. 

Peggy — I am serious. Dere de only pants yer got. 

Sam — Dew yew want tew break my heart? 

Peggy — ^Youse ain't got any heart. All yer got is er gizzard. 

Sam — Won't yew marry me, Peggy? 

Peggy — Aw, take er sneak. Youse grate on me noives. Me hitch 
ter an ungainly lookin' ting like youse? Well, not ernuff ter notice 
it. Why, Sleepy, youse couldn't even sweep off me back stoop. 

Sam — Yew might dew wors'n marrj^'n me. 

Peggy — Impossible ! Dere's no class ter youse whatever. 

Sam — Yew think yew air smart, don't yew? You hain't so all-fired 
much fur style yourself. 

Peggy — Is dat so? I want youse ter strictly understand dat when 
I was in New York, I uster travel in de most select class on de East 
side. 

Sam — Why in tarnation didn't yew stay thar, then? 

Peggy — Cut it out, Sleepy, youse is trespassin' on me family history. 

Sam — Hev yew a histry? 

Peggy — Sure ting; but it would make sloppy readin'. But if youse 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 7 

kin stand de strain I'll rip if off. 

Peggy—It yer can't stand it, set down. 

(Joel enters at this point and overhears the conversation). 

Peggy — You see, Sleepy, me fadder croaked when I was er kid. 
I can't 'member much, 'bout me fadder, but some time after his 
death mudder hitched ergain, and dis bloke turned out ter be one of 
de meanest, low-down skunks dat ever drew breath. He made me 
mudder's life miserable, treated her wois'n er doig. Te uster git in- 
ter all kinds of scrapes, and one day he forged his employer's note 
fer er large sum of money. He was found guilty, convicted, and sent 
ter de coop. Dat awful disgrace broke me poor mudder's heart, and, 
not long after, she died and I was left alone in de woild ter shift 
fer meself de best I could. Dat's de position Mr. and Mrs. Haskum 
found me in over five years argo on de streets of New York. Lord 
knows what would have become of me if dey hadn't scooped me up 
dat day. Dey has benn both fadder and mudder ter me, Sleepy, 
and God knows how I ever kin repay dem. 

Joel — You kin repay us by sayin' nothin' about it. I just kum in 
arter my pipe and I overheard your conversation. Yew have been a 
good gal, Peggy, and yew'll never want fur a hum as long as this 
old roof kin shelter yew. (Takes pipe from mantel. BUS: and Exit 
R. 4.). 

Peggy — Gee, ain't dat bunch troo eatin' yet? I'm so darn hungry 
I could eat er door knob. I'm goin' in and see if dere's any feed left. 
Comin' in, Sleepy? (Exit b. 4.). 

Sam — I'm tew durn tired tew eat. I'm goin' in and lay down. 
(Xes. stage toward l. 4). 

(Enter .Jason Skinnee l. c, humps against Sam. BUS: and exit 
Sam l. 4.). 

Jason — Yew tarnation young fool, kain't yew see whar yew air go- 
in'? I'll break thet young scamp's neck yit. 

(Enter Mrs. Haskum r. 4.). 

Mrs. Haskum — ^Why, good evening, Jason ! 

Jason — Evenin', Matildy. Fine evenin' aout. 

Mrs. Haskum — Yes, it is. Have a chair, Jason. 

Jason — (Sitting l. of taUe). Don't keer if I dew. Air Joel any- 
whar abaout? 

Mrs. Haskum — He is in eating supper. We are late to-night. Joel 
has just got back from town. Have you seen Sam anywhere, Jason? 

Jason — Yes, consarn him, I seed him! He bumped agin' me and 
putty nigh bruck my back when I came in. He went in that air room, 



8 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

and went durn lively tew. 

Mrs. Haskum — {Shouts). Sam! Sam! 

(Enter Sam l. 4). 

Sam — Now what in thunder dew yew want? 

Mrs. Haskum — Go bring me another armful of wood to get break- 
fast with in the morning. 

Sam — Great horn-spoon! Hev I gut tew bring in wood all night 
long? (JJJsoit L. c). 

Jason — I'll be cogswoggled if I kin see what Joel keeps thet good- 
fur-nothin' lout hangin' araound fur. His hide hain't wuth shoe 
strings. 

Mrs. Haskum — Oh, Joel keeps him for the few chores he does. He 
only gives him his board and what few clothes he needs. Lord know» 
he ain't worth that. 

Jason — I should say not. I'd bust his consarned head fur him, if 
I had him. 

Mrs. Haskum — I must be going back. I'll send Joel right out; he 
must be through by this time. 

Jason — ^AU right, Matildy. 

(Exit Mes. Haskum e. 4. Sam enters l. c. with wood; stuhs his 
toe, falls against Jason, knocking him out of chair, &c., BUS: ad 
lih. Joel enters e. 4.). 

Joel — What's the matter, Jason? Did he upset yew? 

Jason — I should say he did. I'll kill thet gosh durn fool yit. 

Joel — (Sitting e. of tahle). Matilda tells me yew wish tew see me, 

(Exit Sam e. 4). 

Jason — I noticed yew had a stranger with yew when yew druv by 
my haouse tew-night. 

Joel — Yes, a gentleman from the city. He is going tew board with 
us fur a few weeks. He's tired of the rush and excitement of the 
city, and wants a few weeks of quiet rest. Come naow, Jason, yew 
bein't going and try tew mix him up with this hyar robbery bizness. 
Every stranger thet happens araound yew light right on tew. Yew 
will be getting yourself in trouble yet, Jason. 

Jason — I hain't lightin' on tew nobuddy in 'ticular. But, by cod- 
fish, it's abaout time a stop was put tew this durn bizness. Hyar 
last week, Job Perkin's store was busted intew. and not long afore 
thet old Josh Green had his hen-roost robbed. I tell yew, Joel, it's 
time suthin' was done, and I as constable of this hyar taown feel 
it my solemn dooty tew run daown these fellers; and by the jump- 
ing jingoes, I air goin' tew dew it, if it takes me thutty years. 



I 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. ^ 

Joel — (Aside). I guess he'll need thirty years, all right. 

(Enter Fkank e. 4). 

Frank — Well, Mr. Haskum, I feel much better after that good meal. 
I don't know when I have enjoyed a meal so well. 

Joel — I am right glad of that. Mr. Hartman, let me inti'oduce tew 
yew Mr. Jason Skinner, our town constable. 

Frank — Glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Skinner. 

Jason — (Strutting up to Feank and tapping his 'badge). Howdy T 
Yew air a stranger araound these parts, I take it. 

Frank — Yes, I was never here before in my life. 

Jason — I want tew know. Then let me tell yew thet yew kum in a 
dum bad time. 

Frank — How's that? 

Jason — Perhaps yew haven't heerd abaout them air robberies round 
hyar of late? 

Frank — No, can't say that I have. 

Jason — Well, Job Perkins' store was robbed last week and a dol- 
lar and thutty-seven cents in money taken, 'sides several plugs of 
terbacco, and every stranger thet comes round hyar is being watched 
like a hawk. 

Frank — I see; you mean that I might be suspected? 

Jason — Yew kin put it thet way if yew like. 

Frank — But haven't you any clew as to M^ho the guilty parties are? 

Jason — Not yet ; but my chowder, I'll ferret this thing aout, or my 
name hain't Jason Skinner. I've been constable of this hyar taown 
fur the past seven years, and I want yew tev/ understand thet I know 
my bizness. It takes an all-fired smart critter what kin git the best 
of Jason Skinner, constable. 

Frank — I don't doubt it. I hope you catch them, Mr. Skinner. I 
am going up to my room, Mr. Haskum. I'll be down shortly. 

Joel — Dew ; I want tew have a talk with yew afore jew go tew 
bed. 

(Exit Feank e. 1.). 

Jason — Joel, I don't like the looks of thet feller. He'll bear watch- 
ing. 

Joel — Nonsense, Jason. Yew air always suspectin' someone. He 
don't know any more abaout it than yew do, and yew don't know 
nuthin' abaout it. 

Jason~^ls thet so? S'pose yew think I don't know my bizness! But 
I'll show yew yit. I am going tew shift this thing clear through tew 
the bottom. I have never yit lost my man. Evenin', Joel, evenin' I 



10 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

(Exit L. c). 

Joel — Evenin', Jason. Poor Jason. Never yit lost his man, eh? 
'Gosh, guess he's right abaout thet, for he's never yit faound one tew 
lose. 

(Enter Frank e. 1.). 

Joel — Talie a cheer thar, Mr. Hartman. So yew air frum Noo Yorli, 
eh? (Sitting l. of tahle). 

Frank — (Sitting r. of table). Yes, I was born and brought up in 
New Yorli City. 

Joel — Dew tell. Gosh, but j^ou must know a heap about the place 
"by this time. 

Frank — Yes, I am pretty well acquainted around there. 

Joel — I was never there but once. Thet were several years ago. 
I didn't have time tew look araound much, but by what leetle I seed 
of it, I took it tew be a right smart sort of taown. Matilda was with 
me thet time, and yew know haow it is with them wimmin folks? 
Watch yew like a cat would a mouse. I s'pose she was afeered I'd 
git tew cuttin' up if I went alone. I'd like tew go daown all by my- 
self once. I'll bet the half soles on my old boots thet I would see the 
sights, if it cost me tew dollars. I saw more purty gals thar in five 
minits than I seed araound hyar in all my life. Thai's haow we kum 
by Peggy. We brought her hum with us. 

Frank — Is that so? I was sure she was from New York by her 
style. 

Joel — Yes ; we found the poor child in the street, cryin' as though 
her heart would break — said she had no hum — mother nad Jist died. 
We felt sorry for her and brought her hum, and she has been with 
us ever since. Matilda wouldn't know what tew dew without Peggy. 

Frank — (Aside). Great Heavens ! Is it impossible that's the same 
girl? 

Joel — What's the matter, Mr. Hartman? Yew look sorter worked 
up. 

Frank — Oh, it's nothing. Your story of the girl touched me, that's 
all. Have you lived here long, Mr. Haskum? 

Joel — I should say so ! Born and brought up hyar. This farm 
has been in our family for years and years. But durn my old hide, 
the way things looked a few days ago, I thought I would have tew 
see the old place change hands. 

Frank — You don't say so? 

Joel — Yes, yew see it air this way. Old Deacon Ford holds a mort- 
;gage of three thousand dollars on this place, and it air due to-morrer. 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 11 

Deacon Ford is abaout the meanest durn cuss thet ever trod in shoe- 
leatlier. He swore he would sell me aout if I couldn't meet thet 
mortgage tew-morrer. I tell yew thet it made me scratch gravel tew 
git thet threee thousand together, but by jingoes, I done it ; and arter 
this thing is squared up, if I don't give the blamed old skinflint the 
consarnedest layin' aout he ever heerd tell on, it's 'cause my name 
ain't Joel Haskum ! 

Frank — But I should think that you would be afraid of having so 
much money about the house with these robberies going on around 
here. 

Joel — Shucks ! Don't yew take any stock in what Jase Skinner 
says. He's alius howlin' abaout somebuddy stealin' suthin'. Gut an 
idee thet he's quite a 'tective. Lord, he couldn't ketch the chicken- 
pox. Most likely these robberies he tells on is some pranks cut up 
by the village boys. No, Mr. Hartman, I feeel jist as safe with my 
money in this house as though it were in the Savin's Bank. 

Frank — {Aside — glancing toward desk). That must have been 
Avhat he was hiding when I came in. 

{Enter Mrs. Haskum e. 4). 

Mrs. Haskum — Joel, have you looked after the stock to-night? 

Joel — No, Matilda ; I'll 'tend tew it right away. Yew'll have tew 
excuse me, Mr. Hartman. {Exit l. c). 

Frank — Certainly, certainly, don't neglect your business on my ac- 
count. I am rather tired and I think I will retire, if you will per- 
mit me. Good-night, Mrs. Haskum. {Exit e. 1.). 

Mrs. Haskum — Good-night, Mr. Hartman. Good-night ! 

{BUS: & ecoit Mes. H. e, 4. Re-enter Feank e. 1). 

Frank — So, I can't even come out here in this out-of-the-way place 
and hide in peace. I'll stake my life that's the same girl, and I'm 
«ure she knows who I am, for she eyed me very suspiciously to-night. 
I thought this the last place on earth where I should be found out, 
and then butt into that confounded brat the first thing. She would 
give me away in a minute. I think the safest thing I can do is to 
clear out of here — and the quicker the better. But before I go, I 
think I had better appropriate that little three thousand. Three 
thousand is a mere trifle for me to bother with, but this is 'most 
too easy to let slip by. No one around— I'll see if I can get in that 
desk. {Xes. and tries desk). Locked — hang it! And I have lost 
my skeleton keys. I can't break it open ; it would make too much 
noise. Hello! Someone coming? 

(Enter Sam e. 4., yawning). 



12 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

8am — Durn it ! I wonder if I kin git a chance tew go tew bed tew- 
night? 

Frank — {Aside). Ttiat boy is only half-witted. I'll bet for 
a few dollars I can get him to get me the key to that desk. {Aloud) 
Say, boy, want to make ten dollars? 

Sam — Not if it's hard work. 

Frank — It is very easy. 

Sam — And I git ten dollars? 

Frank — Yes ! 

Sam — Gosh, ten dollars is a big lot of money. 

Frank — Yes, it is, and it's yours for a very small favor. 

Sam^ — I'll dew it if yew will give me the ten fust. 

Frank — {Handing Mm mxyney) . Here it is! Now, do you know 
where the old man keeps the key to that desk? 

Sam — Yep; what do yew want it fur? 

Frank — I gave the old man a tin box to take care of for me uutil 
morning, but now I find that I must use it to-night. 

Sam — Why don't yew git the old man tew git it fur yew? 

Frank — Why, the household is all quiet ; I hate to disturb anj^one. 
It will be all right — I can explain it to the old man in the morning. 
Will you get the key? 

Sam — Fur ten dollars? Gosh, I'd sell yew the hull durned place 
fur fifteen. {Exit Sam e. 4.). 

Frank — So easy ! Well, old man, I guess you won't pay off any 
mortgage with that money to-morrow. I'll have just about time to 
catch that last train. It's a two mile walk to the station,, but I guess 
I'm good for it. 

{Re-enter Sam r. 4). 

Sam — Hyar's the key. 

Frank — Did anyone see you? 

Sam — Nope, not a soul ! 

Frank — {Opens desk, &c. BUS:). Hello! Someone coming! We- 
mustn't let them see us — they might think we were trying to steal 
something. Here, take this and go into that room. I will let you 
know when they are gone. 

{Exit Sam uith l)ox, l. 4. Enter Joel l. c). 

Joel — Hello, Mr. Hartman. Didn't go tew bed yit, eh? 

Frank — I thought I'd have a smoke before I retired. 

Joel — I see. Set up as long as yew like. Sorter tired myself, and 
I think as how I'll go to roost. Good-night. {Exit r. 4.). 

Frank — Goodnight. Whew, that was a close shave! {Xes fo l. 4) 



A 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 13 

All right, Sam. 

(Enter Sam l. 4). 

Sam — Are they gone? 

Frank — (Tak^g hox). Yes. {Aside) I'll go back upstairs for a 
l)luffto put that fool off his guard. {Exit e. 1.). 

Sam — Ten dollars. Gosh, but that's the most money I ever seed 
in all my life. Won't I be sporty naow? I'll git me a brand new 
suit. I saw a stunning suit daown tew the village fur three dollars 
and a half. And I'll get me a red necktie and a new hat. Mebbe 
Peggy will change her mind when she sees me all togged up. {Exit 
X. c, ivhistling). 

(Re-enter Feank e. 1.). 

Frank — ^There — I guess I can sneak out unobserved now. Con- 
found it, Where's my hat? I left it there on the table when I came 
in to-night. (Xes and picks up hat). Look at that hat! Ain't that 
a sight? Well, I had better get out of here while the coast is clear. 
(Exit L. c). 

(Enter Joel e. 4.). 

Joel — I guess I'll have a look and see if thet thar money's all right, 
afore I go tew bed. I kin rest better if I know it's safe. (Tries 
desk). Why, it's unlocked, and the key is still hyar in the lock 
Am I gittin' so durn furgitful as that? I could uv swore I locked 
thet desk. (Opens desk). Where is it? It's gone! My God! I 
have been robbed! 

(Enter Mes. Haskum e. 4). 

Mrs. Haskum — Why Joel, what on earth's the matter? 

Joel — Matter? Everything's the matter! Tew-morrer the old home- 
stead, where I spent my childhood days, will pass out of our hands 
forever. 

Mrs. Haskum — Why, Joel, how you do talk ! You have got the mon- 
ey to meet the mortgage. 

Joel — I had it. But now it's gone. 

Mrs. Haskum — Gone? 

Joel — Yes, gone. How I drudged and slaved tew git thet three 
thousand tewgether, and now it's gone — stolen ! Tew-morrer old Dea- 
con Ford will demand his money, and I haven't a cent. But, bu jin- 
goes, I'll find out who's at the bottom of this. Whar's Peggy? 

Mrs. Haskum — In the kitchen. I'll call her. Peggy ! Peggy ! 

(Enter Peggy e. 4.). 

Joel — Peggy, have yew seed anyone near my desk tew-night? 

Peggy — Nope, not er soul. Why, I hopes dere ain't anyting wrong. 



J4 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

Sir? 

jQ^l — Wrong? Everj^thing's wrong! I have been robbed. 

Peggy — Hully gee I Dat's hard lines. But I'll stake me loife dat 
I kin name de guy dat done de trick. Where's dat feller Hartman? 

Joel — Why, up-stairs in his room, I s'pose. 

Peggy — Dollars ter doughnuts he ain't. If he ain't flew de coop, 
I'll go croak. 

Joel — Run up, gal, and see if he's thar. 

{Exit Peggy r. 1.). 

Joel — This is an awful blow, Matilda. But it kain't be possible thet 
he took it. Why, he seemed so nice and polished like. 

Mrs. Hasgum — You can't always tell about them city fellers, Joel. 

{Enter Peggy r. 1). 

Peggy — Just what I fought. He's beat it. Say, do youse know' 
who dat man was? Well, I'll tell yer. He's an escaped convict. He 
most likely come out here ter 'scape ther perleece. Dat guy should 
now be doin' time fer forgery. 

Joel — So thet's the kind of hairpin I have been harboring in my 
household and treatin' with the same respect as one of my family. 
And this is the way he repays me! But how did he know whar tew 
find the key? Thet's what gits me. Not a livin' soul outside of this 
household knows whar I keep my keys. Somebuddy helped him, and 
somebuddy right hyar in this house. I'm goin' tew git tew the bot- 
om of this thing and find aout the one thet's mixed up in it. It'll 
go hard with the one thet done it, let it be who it may. Neither of 
yew know nuthin' abaout it. Whar's Sam? Confound him, mebbe he 
knows suthin' abaout it. 

{Enter Sam l. c, yawning). 

Joel — Sam I 

Sam — {Jumps and falls over chair). Durn et! Dew yew want ter 
scare a feller tew death? 

Joel — {Taking him l)y the collar and yanking him to his feet). I'll 
scare yew worse'n thet if yew don't answer me truthfully. 

8am — Ouch — ^yew hurt! 

Joel — Hurt! Yew need be thankful if yew don't git your blame 
head busted. 

Mr6t. Haskum — Don't be harsh with the boy, Joel ; it isn't likely 
that he knows anything about it. 

Joel — I'll find aout what he knows. Sam, have you seed anyone 
near my desk tew-night? 

8am — ^Yes, I seed — 



THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 15 

Joel — Quick — who did you see? 

Sam — The feller with the plug hat. 

Joel — Who, Hartman? 

Sam — Yes; he took a tin box aout of thar. 

Joel—^o, it was him, after all. But how did he git the key? Dew 
yew know thet? 

Sam — Yes; I gut it fur him. 

Joel — Dew yew mean tew say thet yew give him the key tew thet 
desk? 

Sam^Ye\) ! He give me ten dollars. Said he had tew use the box 
tew-night. 

Joel — (Shaking Sam). Yew confounded young idiot! Dew yew 
know what was in thet box? 

Sam — Nuthin', I thought ten dollars a good price fur thet old box. 

Joel — Yew young fool, my money was in thet box ! 

Sam — It were in thar, but it hain't naow. 

Joel— I don't s'pose it air in thar naow. He's probably taken it 
aout by this time. Yew young scoundrel, I've a good mind tew trash 
yew within an inch of your life. 

Sam — I sold him the box. 

Joel — Of course yew did, yew young scalawag, and yew have gut 
gall tew stand thar and keep tellin' me abaout it? 

Sam^-l said I sold him the box. Hyar's your money. (Hands Mm 
money). 

Joel — ( Surprised ) . What ? 

Sam — Thar's your money— every gosh durned dollar. Thet's once 
in his life thet Sleepy Sam was wide awake. I thought it durned fun- 
ny of him givin' as much to git thet old box. After he gut it, he 
heerd someone comin'. Thet must uv been yew comin' in frum the 
barn. 

Joel — Yes, he was hyar when I kum in. 

Sam — So he gives me the box and sends me intew thet room, and 
then I seed your name on the box, so I opened it and seed all thet 
money. Then I didn't wonder why he were so anxious tew git it; 
and then I takes the money aout and gives him back the empty box. 
Guess I stuck him. Won't he be rippin' when he finds the box emp- 
ty. 

Joel— God bless yew, boy, I'm proud of yew.. Yew have really 
saved an old man's life, fur it would have broken my heart tew see 
this old place go aout of the family. (Emdraces Sam). 
Pegffy—UolY smokes. Sleepy, but yer a wonder ! Who would ever 



APR 2\ 1911 



16 THE HASKUM HOMESTEAD. 

t'ink dat laid in yer system? 

Sam — Yew kain't alius tell haow hard a mule's goin' ter kick 'till 
he hits yew. 

Peggy — Mr. Haskum, I s'pose youse will be radder s'prised when 
I tells yer dat de guy what robbed youse to-night is none odder den 
me step-fadder, Jim Blakely— better known ter youse as Frank Hart- 
man. 

Joel — Kin it be possible? Wonder how he managed tew escape? 
• Peggy — Lord only knows. He's a slippery cuss. Gee, but youse kin 
bet dat dere will be er big reward offered fer him. 

{Enter Jason l. c). 

Jason — Then, durn my jumkins, thet air reward belongs tew me! 

Joel — Belongs tew yew? What dew yew mean? 

Jason — I mean thet I got the durn skunk — gut him good and snug 
tew, locked up in my boxed stall, and my boy Jake and young Hank 
Green air watchin' him with their shotguns, so thar hain't much 
danger of his gettin' away. I told yew. tew keep your eye peeled fur 
thet cuss, Joel. 

Joel — Thet's right, Jason. I'll have more 'spect fur your judgment 
hereafter. 

Jason — Well, I must be a-goin'. Gut tew look arter my prizner. 
Powerful bizzy man tew-night. Evenin', folks, evenin' {Exit Jason 
L. c). 

Joel — Evenin', Jason. I s'pose Jason'll brag abaout thet fur the 
next five years. Sam, my boy, I'm proud of yew. I've gut a propo.^i- 
tion tew make tew yew. If yew will brace up and try and dew what's 
right in the future, I promise tew give yew a share in everything 
thet's made on the farm. 

Bam — Great Jehosophat! Dew yew mean it? Gosh, Mrs. Haskum, 
I'll bring in the hull wood-pile right naow. 

Joel — No, thet's not necessary. And Sam, when yew and Peggy gits 
married, I'll give yew a nice weddin' present tew. 

Sam — Peggy says as haow ?he won't have me. 

Peggy — {Edging up to him). Yes, but mebbe after a little persuad- 
in' I kin be made ter change me moind. Gee, Sleepy, youse ain't so 
worse at dat, and if youse still wants me — :- 

Sam — Yew bet I dew! 

Peggy — ^Den I guess I'll take er chance and help make yer loife 
miserable. \ 

Sam — {Embracing her). Gosh, hum was never like this! 

—CURTAIN.^ 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
APR 2\ 19f1 



LIBRARY OF 




